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Day nine-thousand nine-hundred ninety-three. [Nov. 13th, 2009|09:27 pm]
After turning in some papers and dithering around at home, I played several incomplete songs on the guitar, watched an episode of planet earth and drove out to the humane society to walk some dogs. The weather is getting colder and we are running low on fuel. If history is any indicator, we will probably make it through another winter but our replacements will probably never arrive. Later I will attempt to navigate the local terrain, avoid the hostiles, and gather up some nourishment which may prove useful for the long winter ahead. I may also stop at the dollar show and watch District 9.
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Discordance at Circle K. [Oct. 15th, 2009|07:15 pm]
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Last night I was up late finishing some homework and running out of steam, so I walked down to Circle K to get a soda and a candy bar. I recognized the clerk; we exchanged greetings. I noticed the store was empty save us and he had a cigarette in his ear so I told him I was leaving and wasn't coming back in until he got a smoke break, for which he was grateful. A man in a yellow raincoat started cutting through the parking lot.

Apparently he wasn't supposed to for the clerk yelled, "You'd better get out of here. I told you once already." To which the man in the yellow coat replied, "*#&@, **(&^$%, !@$%#@, !#$$%^%^@!"

The clerk threatened to call the cops.

A man sitting on a bucket who had been asking for change yelled at the man in the yellow coat, who responded, "%^@$ @@$%^&$# &*%&*%&*!"

The man sitting on a bucket became the man standing next to a bucket and revealed some knives from beneath his coat.

The clerk said, "You better not throw another rock through my window," and the man in the yellow coat smiled with delight, having just come up with a wonderful idea, and with spring in his step walked over to a loose slab of concrete and smashed it on the ground breaking it into an array of brilliant, window-breaking size pieces. He said, "&*@$ you, I @@$%^& and your mother $#%^% @@!#$%!"

An old women approached the store whispering under her breath, "He'd better leave, he's just causing trouble, he just wants to cause trouble, somebody should call the police."

A police car drove by. The clerk took another drag from his cigarette.

The old woman's eyes opened wide and she smiled. She had a realization. She yelled at the man in the yellow coat, "I was wondering where you went to, Lucifer. But I've found you and seen through your disguise!"

Some teenagers drove up and went into the store, the clerk followed them in, the man standing next to the bucket was holding his knives, the old women was reciting scripture, the man in the yellow coat was threatening to kick everybody's ass (from a safe distance), and I was standing there casually memorizing the whole thing.

The clerk signaled from inside he was calling the police, so I kindly advised the man standing next to the bucket to put away his knives.

A teenager walked out of the store, sat on the curb, and cracked open a beer.

A police car drove by.

The man in the yellow coat announced his departure, but the old woman yelled and followed him, "Don't you leave, Lucifer, I'm not afraid of you and the police are coming to take you way! Don't you leave!"

The woman walked right up to the man in the yellow coat, who stood tall and shrugged with his hands out and said, "&^*#@$ woman! $%^&&*#$ your @$^&* what!" The woman walked until she was about a meter away from him and continued, "I know you're Lucifer. You're a bad man and you're going to get what's coming to you! I'm the Revered Goddess of the Light so you can't hurt me, Lucifer!"

The fluorescent store lights flickered.

The man in the yellow coat gestured at me and the man sitting on the bucket, "I can still kick your friends asses," and he made some threatening steps toward us, the man sitting on the bucket stood up again and took out his knives, I stood up a little straighter and kept looking at the man in the yellow coat who was quite a bit larger than me, and the old women yelled, "You can't hurt them, they're my angels. They have powers you can't even imagine. They are beautiful people and my angels and you can't hurt them. Just you try, Lucifer!"

The man standing next to the bucket yelled, "Get out of here, you junkie! Go peddle your heroine somewhere else!"

The man in the yellow coat said, "$&%@ you, @$%&*$ @@#$%^&!" and started walking away.

A clean-cut man with a mustache biked up onto the sidewalk and leaned his bike against the store. "Good evening, everyone," he said.

Then he pulled a harmonica out and played the happiest, most pleasant and beautiful melody I have ever heard. He played for about five minutes.

The man sitting on the bucket said, "I would like to make a mess of [that man in the yellow coat]." To which the man with the harmonica replied with an engagingly pleasant grin, "No, we don't want to make messes... then somebody would have to clean it up." He giggled.

I went into the Circle K and bought a soda and a candy bar. I shook hands with the man sitting on the bucket, who held onto my hand for an unnatural amount of time and tried to peer deep into my soul.

On my way home, I heard someone snoring on the porch of an abandoned house.
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WikiHow: A useful resource. [Jul. 3rd, 2009|04:49 pm]
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How to Break a U Lock

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit
Lost your bike-lock key? Use this simple method to break the "unbreakable" lock that you so wisely bought!

Steps

  1. Make sure it's your bike. Stealing bikes is illegal.
  2. Grab the jack from your car.
  3. Insert the jack between the U-lock and the object that the bike is locked to, pointing the top of the jack towards the crossbar of the U-lock.
  4. Crank up the jack, being careful not to put pressure on the frame.
  5. The U-lock will begin to deform, then at some point the lock will pop and open.

Tips

  • Use a large, powerful car jack, such as one from a pickup truck.
  • Make sure that you have documentation of the bike or have registered it with the city. Register your bike now if you haven't already. Don't get caught "stealing" your own bike!
  • If you are worried about your car jack, buy a cheap one from a junkyard.

Warnings

  • You may bend or dent the bike frame
  • You may ruin the jack
  • Car jacks are powerful machines. Be careful, don't hurt yourself or get arrested.
  • Be careful not to dent the object that the bike was locked-to. City bike loops will not bend.

Related wikiHows

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Break a U Lock. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

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Speech. [Apr. 14th, 2009|11:19 pm]
I'm taking a speech class in order to complete an associate's degree at the local community college. Every time I get up to speak in front of people, I try to remind myself to be present, that there's really no reason to be nervous, but somewhere along the walk up to the podium something happens and the next thing I remember I'm sitting back down. Eyewitness accounts indicate that I do, in fact, deliver a speech. I asked the instructor if he had any tips to overcome this weirdness and he told me I just needed practice. So I decided to audition for a play. I read the bulletin board at the theater department, and it just so happened there was a cold reading for an original play happening today, so I went. I figured that based on my (lack) of talent, there was no way I'd get a part but that it would be a good experience and good practice. It turns out that they were casting for four male roles and four males showed up. So, I'm now an actor.
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Tip for people who wear glasses. [Dec. 5th, 2008|06:49 pm]
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Even if your glasses are really dirty, don't take them off to look for your favorite eyeglass cleaning product.
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Fermi paradox. [Nov. 14th, 2008|10:53 am]
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1. People design weapons of mass destruction.
2. People start chattering about the dangers of these weapons.
3. People blow themselves up, causing their own extinction.
4. Extra-terrestrial people continue their search for intelligent life, wondering why no one responds to their SETI signals.
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Hats and glasses, in Oregon. [Nov. 6th, 2008|10:49 am]
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Scenario with no hat:
1. You park your car somewhere.
2. It rains.
3. Your glasses get wet and you can't see anything.
4. You can't find your car.
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Prescription glasses. [Jul. 17th, 2008|03:12 pm]
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I got a new prescription for my glasses so now I can see better. In fact, I think they put something in these lenses to give me depth perception. I don't think I've ever had it before except when wearing those red and green glasses at the movies. Also, there was a special on glasses that get darker when in contact with direct sunlight so I got those. They are so cool.
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I am just borrowing your facilities. [Jun. 27th, 2008|11:16 am]
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The administrators closed the college on me today, almost disrupting my study plans. Fortunately, someone left a door unlocked and I found that door.
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Whoever broke into my car. [Jun. 25th, 2008|03:55 pm]
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I have been advised not to curse you, as any evil I inflict on the world will come back to me three-fold. Still, we can't have you breaking into people's cars all the time. So, I hope that you find meaning in your life and don't have to break into people's cars anymore. Also, I am binding you to one year of community service, either in this life or the next.
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